I am asking that you to think back to when you first began dating your current partner. Think about the thoughts and emotions related to being in a new relationship. What thoughts/emotions come up? I’ve heard people say anything from exciting to nervous and hopeful. Many people want to spend as much time together as possible in a new relationship, talking on the phone, going to the movies, spend time with each other’s friends, the more time the better.
Overtime, the newness can wear off, but typically, we still want to spend time with the person. We can share interests and values with one another Interestingly, we don’t always separate who we are as a couple, from who we are as an individual. Instead, we created a bond with our partner, which is important, we should feel safe and secure in these relationships.
The problem in some romantic relationships is when there is a disagreement. Some partners feel and express that their significant other should agree with their perspectives on an issue and that having a different viewpoint is an issue in the relationship. Similar to all or nothing thinking. Many couples get stuck in this, the bonding stage of development., which is termed Symbiosis and characterized by poor boundaries, and one partner being passive and the other more aggressive regarding their wants and needs.
Differentiation
In healthy relationships of development, the couple may experience some Symbiosis but through therapy and or working together have been able to make a REALLY important discovery; I am me; you are you. Seems simple enough but the reality is in relationships, this is an easy area for couples to get stuck.
In differentiation, partners are able to express their individual thoughts, opinions and desires. Instead of viewing differences among partners as a threat, you both appreciate the differences each bring to the relationship. When arguments come up, these partners work to find ways to manage conflict and find resolution together. This stage of Couple development is a must in order to reach later stages. I won’t go into all the stages in this post, but I am curious, does any of the content in this post remind you of your relationship with your partner? Comment and or let me know via email. Brian@themarriagedoc.com….Thanks for reading and keep coming back for next month’s blog.